I am back at it. I feel like I was in a dark place. Autism is hard then you add the loss of my mom, who the heck am I? It's been about 6 months without her now and for the first time....I feel like I can manage. I can see things without the fog that's been hanging around. The snap literally happened around New Years....I went to see my mom. I went to her grave site...I cried for 45 minutes straight. And it wasn't just any cry...it was a hard cry but it felt so good. I miss my mom but I feel like I can manage my sadness....that is huge.
And Autism....there are so many growing pains and it's hard. That will not change. I know that. But, my mindset is changing. You see, I have transitioned and started surrounding myself with positive sayings and thoughts. I have done that since the day my mom died. I look at my positive posters every single day and they meant nothing to me until December. Probably because I had to rediscover who I was. I still don't know but I am so much more upbeat....more open.
So...a great example might be JB's winter festival....for years I have been watching the kids at his school sing and dance. I cried every single time. At first it was because I was seeing things so differently. I was seeing different. I was sad and hurt. I was watching all these kids with needs and my heart was breaking....This year though, I still felt the tears but they were happy tears. I was dancing and singing and cheering with these kids....I was recognizing the wonderful progress and the joy that they had while performing. Then, it was JB's turn. My JB was up and singing Frosty the Snowman. He was having fun with his class and after he sang, he told everyone to clap their hands.
"Give us a standing O people out there! Come on let me hear you!"
I think seeing kids cheer on each other, cheer for themselves is what everyone needs. It reminds you of the joy they bring, and the joy that can be found in each and every single day. I loved seeing my kid stand up and reach out for a standing "O". It shows everyone who he truly is as a person and makes me so proud to be his mama. But it also teaches me a lesson.....he is happy. Maybe my hopes and dreams of who I thought he might be are different. Maybe he won't be a great baseball player...or a mathematician....and maybe he will live at home all his life. Who cares!!!! He is a great person, he encourages and laughs and has fun.....maybe that's all he needs to be because maybe he is simply meant to be uplifting for others. Maybe his job is to bring joy to those who need it...to people like me who are still trying to figure themselves out.
Thank you JB for making me smile every single day and for giving me the strength to keep on keepin' on!
TTFN
Martha