Nothing More than a Feeling

Hi all,

I am taking a break from my story to talk about feelings.  I have been reading a lot of articles, interviews, blogs.....no one ever really talks about feelings.  Is it a taboo topic?  If I have a feeling, does it mean I am being selfish?

Feelings are normal.  And in this roller coaster ride with autism, feelings happen.  Everyday is different and it's not always easy.  I cried a lot when JB was first diagnosed.  In fact, I cried so much and stressed so much that my face completely broke out.  I started dressing up and wearing a lot more make up thinking that it would help me hide my angst.   Coworkers/friends were constantly asking how I was staying so positive.  What they didn't know was that I would come home, do my mom duties, then get in the shower and sob!  Truth be told, I still do this.  Just not everyday anymore!

I feel like life has changed so much in so many ways.  I have lost friends but also, I don't make an effort.  My life is work, getting to therapy, making sure my daughter is surviving.....and then dealing with my husband.  People think of autism as just bad behavior.  It's not.  I struggle taking JB places because I really cannot visit as I am so busy running around after JB or the house is overstimulating and JB can't handle it.  It can be tiring.....people don't understand. 

My husband, you ask?  When I say dealing with my husband, well, he is also dealing with autism in his own way.  He struggles with the idea that the future isn't what he thought it would be.  When JB is down, my husband is down.  When JB is happy, my husband is happy.  Who supports him?  I do!  I have to!  He deserves to be taken care of too!

I really think it's just how and when we decide to deal with what autism is.  In the beginning, my husband was my rock.  Now it's my turn for him.  Something I will say though, is that at times I feel like I have put up a wall.  Almost like I go numb....it's hard when your kid is screaming profanities at you, spitting on you, telling you that he hates you.  JB is just a baby really....only 6.  But when he tantrums, holy moly people!  At this point, my wall and numbness kicks in.  That doesn't happen for my man.....I am not saying it's not hard.  But I can't let it bug me, rule me.  Instead the aftermath rules me, a 6 year old who says he hates feeling this way.  That he hates breaking my heart.  That he can't stop himself.  That's the kick in the gut!

BUT it's not all sadness, folks.  JB has the best sense of humor and tells great jokes.  He plays well with his sister and loves being around her.  He also gives the best hugs!  And he is learning so fast....we really are a happy family with hiccups that happen along the way!  Who doesn't have hiccups?  I mean, that is life after all!  And you surround yourself with supports--family members, and friends (like BG, KM, and AJ--thanks gals for making sure I take care of myself!).  You count on them and talk with them so you don't get lost! And so you keep the laughter going!

Keep reading.  I'll be back in a few days!

TTFN
Martha