Today I write out of confusion....I am not confused but in some ways I really am. And you need to hear why! So Mother's Day for me really happened 2 days beforehand. JB was in the school talent show. He told jokes! I was shocked, first of all, that he wanted to perform. Secondly, he wanted to tell jokes. But, he was amazing! JB reminded me of a true comedian....his punchlines were on point and the delivery, it was just so him. I was so proud and honestly, that day was the greatest gift for many reasons. His courage, his humor, his happiness. That is truly what you want to see for your child.
But then a week later comes and it's the exact opposite. Within one week we went from a major high to a major low. JB had had a tough week but by the time he got to Friday, he had bit his teacher and slapped her. Honestly, I am appalled by this...it is not JB. That's not my kid.....at all! So personally it's devastating!
And it makes me mad at Autism. Damn Autism.....I mean it!
But I have to get over that. Instead, I have to think, "Okay, what can we do to make it better!?!" With Autism it is always forward thinking. It's sometimes uncomfortable and it's definitely not easy! But you do have to think that way...
You see, JB needs us to think that way. He gets lost in his thoughts and will often tell me that he is a monster. JB is in no way a monster but that is how he thinks of himself which makes me hurt as a mom. His monster needs help controlling himself and how do I do that? Forward thinking! That's not to say I don't dwell, the dwelling is sometimes too much, too overwhelming. But dwelling gets me nowhere. It doesn't help anybody.
Getting through the ups and downs.....getting through the roller coaster....getting through the confusion...it's very hard. My advice is to think about those small moments that blow your mind, those small moments you can't wait to share with your friends. And it's so gracious of my friends to be blown away for me.....I thank them for acknowledging JB and our good fight (and they know it's a fight!)
Small moments save me.....they truly do!
TTFN
Martha
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