grey clouds

Hello all....

Been a long while, I know.  It's really becoming harder and harder to write.  I hate that because my big mouth has a lot to say.  I just don't know, though, that I feel up to it anymore.

Autism will always be difficult and it will always be a joy....people can say they understand but they don't know.  And yet, I find myself trying to let that all go because the heart of the matter is that people, my peeps, are really 100% trying.  They may not live my life but boy, they sure are trying to have an open mind about it.  And I love that so much because well....that little bit of trying, helps me understand that people do care.

Something every parent of a special needs child should know is that the stress never leaves.  It really never goes away....there is always a new worry.  Like right now, I am working on filling out paperwork about my JB because he is due for his triennial.  It's an assessment that will measure his progress and compare it to "the norm"....I gotta tell you all, I don't wanna know.  I don't.  I DON'T!!!!

It's so hard to hear this stuff...I know it's way necessary.  I know what they are going to report on...I know this information is necessary to hear.  I know it's good, that I need to hear it,  but think about it.....I am a mama....hearing your child has difficulties is not easy to hear.  I know already, really I do but please when you talk to me....let me know you love and care about my fella.  That he makes you laugh, that his smile kills you....that he is a treasure because that's what he is.

So grey clouds?  What does that title mean?  Well, life is hard with autism and then it gets even harder when other things go wrong...and it seems so much worse because I am already under so much stress.  A couple weeks ago, my husband had an allergic reaction that actually almost killed him.  He had to sign a paper that stated a procedure necessary to help him, could actually kill him.   I am not sure that people understand how serious this event was...but then, maybe I am making more out of it because it just added to an already crazy life!

It could also be that everything has happened all at once and guess what?  Then you think about how a grey cloud is always over you....F that!  I think that sometimes the stresses of everyday life, of everyday Autism, makes everything else seem 100 times more difficult. You find out how strong you are during these times, and yet you also find out how much support you need.  I think I will always need support.  I think I will always need to understand that others do want to help me....life goes on and happens.  It's just a matter of how I deal with it.  How can I push those clouds away so they don't bury me?  Some days....some days I can do it!  I can! But some days, well, I cannot.  I just cannot!

But don't worry peeps!  I will always keep fighting the fight to be a strong me and when I need you...I will do better to tell you!

TTFN
Martha