The Struggle is Real....

Hi all,

Ya know......Autism is a journey.  Often we think about journeys in terms of time.  And I, personally, think that journeys happen over months and years....not daily.  But honestly, that is Autism my friends.  Autism is a daily journey and sometimes a daily struggle.

This past week was awful.  It made me struggle in many ways.  I wasn't effective as a mom, wife, person......at least that is how I felt.  JB had two really horrible meltdowns.  REALLY horrible.  Here is the thing.....with Autism, you sometimes have no idea what the root of the problem is because it's often something that cannot be communicated.  And the way it is communicated is through behavior.

SO..........

Wednesday, JB just could not get himself, keep himself, together.  During therapy, he simply screamed for me over and over.  I would try to help, then I became a target.  The target.  THE TARGET!!!!  What does that mean, you ask????  Well, JB screamed and cried.  He ran to be with me but then he would bite me, hit me, head butt me, kick me.......say very vulgar things to me.  Then, he would cry and want me to hug him, he would beg me to tell him why he was such a monster......Yes peeps, my 7 year old does these things....says these things.  It's almost this game my heart goes through......so strong and patient, then desperately wondering why and how I can help.    My heart hurts then rejuvenates.  And here is what people don't know, it's a cycle!  JB apologizes and says he doesn't mean to do the things he does.  Thinking it's all over....I engage and hug and comfort.  But it's the attention he seeks.  I should know better because it starts all over.  The hitting, kicking, the language, my broken heart.......this cycle goes on and on.  It can last for minutes.  It can last for hours.  It effects every aspect of life.

No wonder AP struggles.  During JB's meltdown, AP wanted help with homework.  I couldn't help her.  I couldn't.  Her response was to scream and slam her door.  Was to yell that JB gets all the attention.....all I could tell her was to not worry about her homework.  That I would email her teacher.  But for her, it was just another reason to hate Autism.  To blame Autism for the lack of attention she gets.....times like these make you feel lower than low.

Lower than low......

But then the next day comes....all is forgotten for JB.  And this angel arrives because that really is what JB is....yes, an angel.  He woke early on Thursday and asked to make his sister a PB & J sandwich.  He made her lunch, then his, then helped with mine.  It was a reminder, a very good reminder of who JB really is.  Who he really is.....it's not that I don't know, but the behaviors mess me up emotionally.  Screw me up........make me question myself and the world around me.....

If I feel this way, then what does my AP feel like?  Probably just like me......and just like me, she keeps quiet.  Because that is what I have taught her through example.  I keep quiet.  Thinking no one understands.....and yet my 10 year old daughter, is following my lead.  Geez,  momhood is hard...but so awesome because as hard as it can be...I also love the experiences I have with 2 great kids.  You see, people told me that my son would never talk, never hug or touch, never look me in the eye, not really amount to anything.......well, shit, guess what?  He does all that and more.  And I am so proud to be an Autism mom who can share my Autism life with others.....and I am working on being better.  Working on telling my friends more and more.....because my friends want to help.  I just have to let them.  And in doing that, AP will learn from me that friends can help.  See, sometimes all you need is a smile or a simple hello to get through the struggle.....because the struggle is real.  And I will make it!  AP will make it.  JB will make it!

TTFN

Martha