Has anyone seen me?

Hi all....

So summer is close to over.....and JB has been out of summer school for 2 weeks.  At first it was fine but then boom, out of nowhere.  JB has changed.  Mornings, and sometimes evenings, have become sorta insane.  It's like someone flips a switch every morning....JB gets crazy angry, maybe even #hangry.

I hate you!

I am out of this family!

You suck mom!

You suck dad!

You are a terrible mom!

I am running away!

There is a new home somewhere!

I don't like you!

It's so hard because you have no idea how things turn around.  We wake up to hugs and cuddles, then about 30 minutes later.....out of the blue, it's truly chaos.  Questions of what happened?  What set JB off?  But there is no answer.  After an hour...we spend another hour with a boy who is so sorry.  He cannot control himself as he asks us to accept his apologies.....

My husband and I have learned to just "Elsafy" it all...that's my way of saying "Let It Go"!  Haha, get it????  Those of you Disney fans know....and it has gotten easier to let it go because every time we go into this mode, my wall goes up...you deal because you have to.  You cannot take it personally!

But, with that wall....I have recently realized that I have truly lost myself.  I don't know who I am.  I put so much of myself into everyone else....and I am willing to admit that I have given up on me.  My energy is really for my kiddos, my husband (who is battling his own fight), and everyone else.  I am better at being the rock for everyone else.  Not for myself, that's for sure....

Whose fault is this?  I could blame Autism.  But really, there is no one to blame but me.  I am in charge of me.  But honestly, I have just smashed me down.  Put myself at the bottom of the barrel.  To the point that I doubt every little thing.  I have lost me.  Is that fair????  Absolutely not and I have to find me again.  Finding me will help me be a better me for everybody else. 

Autism will always be Autism.  It will always be hard.  It will always be a contender in this bout called life.  Autism may not change but I sure can.....and yet,  I find myself hiding.  Not sharing, not talking.  Not wanting to bother anyone.  Look out peeps, I am trying to grow.....I am working on me.  I have to.  I just have to....I have to be a better me.  It is definitely time!

TTFN

Martha