Grief is overwhelming!

Hi all....

Long time since I last posted, I know.  Writing right now is hard....lots of things are very hard.  And sadly, I feel like people don't understand.  More than ever, they just don't understand.

So, Autism doesn't ever stop.  I am constantly "on".  There is no break because every minute, I am working to change behavior.  I do this all day in my job, too.  Behaviors are interesting because they change...just like weather.  It's something that is day to day and minute to minute.  Dealing with behavior all day and all night is tiring.  It is draining.

Now....add grief.  We are about to enter into the holidays.  The holidays without mom?  This is a first.  It has me in knots.  I am drowning at times.  I will drive to work, a song brings a memory and boom, I am lost.  I cry instantly.

Guess what?  I had to tell my dad that mom was going to die.  I had to make the decision to pull the plug on my mom.  Did you know that?????  Of course not.  I hide it behind a fake smile.  I tell people I am fine.  But think about this.....I MADE A DECISION that led to my mom's passing.  Granted, her entire body system had shut down.  So it was the right decision but I made it.  I made it.  That haunts me....and I don't know that anyone gets it.  How does one suppress those feelings on a daily basis?  Let's be real...it is so hard. It is beyond difficult but that is what I am expected to do....I put a game face on every day.  I do that for everyone else and yet, does everyone else know what I am suppressing????  No they don't!  Some people want to know but others....they don't see it.

My life is hard.  I hate saying that because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I don't!  Yet, I want someone to understand me....please, understand me.  Autism....grief.....please understand me.  Every single day is a struggle....and anymore I question myself.  I want to be the best that I can be....but sometimes my spirit is broken.  I feel like that is not allowed of people....and I think it's important for people to know that it is okay.

People, no matter their age, need to know they are loved.  I love you....you are doing your best.  Hang in there.

TTFN
Martha