Thanks Styx

Hi all,

Have you ever heard that song...."Too Much Time On My Hands"?  Well, right now, that is me.  I recently had surgery.  Surgery is always hard...granted, I am doing really well.  Really well!  BUT, I have way too much time to think about things.  And one of those things is really a reflection.  And part of my reflection is because of  book I have read called, Kids Deserve It!  Kids deserve to be loved.  They deserve to be noticed and in the teaching profession, sometimes kids put on a persona.  One that hides who they are....and I so get that!  I do it too!

For me, my disguise may come in a different form.  Almost like everyday is Halloween.  I dress up, I put on make-up, I accessorize.....all those things make me feel good but they can also be a cover up.  Like hiding.  But why?  Why is it that adults don't want to bother anyone with their emotions and problems?  Why?  In my mind, I think that I just don't want to bother anyone.  But a good friend said...."It takes a village..."  She is right. It takes a village to raise kids but also to raise adults.  Now I don't need raising at all.....but, I do need emotional support!  Being a mother to an autistic child is hard....and a joy, all at the same time.

OK but now back to that surgery thing.  I feel helpless....my poor JB has to understand that mom is different right now.  And at first it was okay.  But 6 days later....a new worry has shown up.  JB has sobbed daily about getting his "regular mom" back.  He "hates' this new mom....the new mom who cannot help him at all because I physically CANNOT at the moment!  He has risen to the occasion...he has started putting himself to bed, he is eating without help, he is even dressing himself!  Those are huge successes....HUGE!  I have had to do everything for him but he is proving to us all that he can be self-sufficient.  And that's what I want for JB.....for him to be able to help himself.  And to have the confidence that all kids, and adults, deserve!  But to have that....sometimes a supportive word of encouragement is necessary.....one smile, one compliment, one joke can carry a person far.  Kids need that, adults need that....and that's what humanity has in common!  We all need support in one way or another.....it does take a village!  I am learning to be okay with that!

TTFN
Martha

Doubt

Hi all.....,

I am writing today for many reasons.  At first, I had planned to write about my hubby who is still at this point of struggling with the idea that Autism will forever keep his son from being what he had hoped he would be.  But then, I was given something by a friend....a key that says "believe".  It was given to me because this friend sees that I do not believe in myself.....I was so touched but also, she is right.  I do not believe in myself at all.  That is super sad to admit.....but I have to admit it because I am sure there are other moms out there that feel the same way I do. 

My energy is for my husband, my daughter, my son, and my students.  Yep, I am a teacher!  

My energy is for them and often, my students save me.  They truly do, because they keep me thinking and they keep me fresh and that really helps me in my daily dealings with Autism.  It is not easy at all but I realize that I have built up a wall.  A defense mechanism so that I can be there for my students 100%.....then I come home and give my all.  But damn, it's really hard.  I think I am there for everyone except myself.....I don't have the energy for me!  It's so sad to admit that!!!!  But it took that gift of the believe key for me me to see that!

I am also reading a book called Kids Deserve It by Ted Nesloney and Adam Welcome.  It's supposed to be about kids but I am realizing it's also about me.  Who I am...as a teacher and as a person.  It's become sort of a diary for me.  I want to keep reading because I feel like those guys are championing for me...just like my friend did with the believe key.   My favorite chapter so far, is called "Dealing With Doubt" and I must admit that it struck a chord with me.  I doubt myself in many ways.  I doubt myself as a mother, as a teacher, as a friend to others. 

"Doubt can sometimes lurk around us, but when it gets inside us, it's hard to shake loose."

I hate that I doubt myself.  Not sure many people know that I do because daily, I get up and put on cute clothes and make up.  It's a mirage really.  Not always but sometimes.....and then there is my work.  Work I am thankful for....I pour myself into it because it is my getaway....I do my best then I wonder if I did enough....just like I do with my personal life....It's so sad to admit the way I feel, hurtful too.  I don't want to feel this way, I don't mean to feel this way.....but, life is hard.  Autism is hard.  How do I change my mindset?????  I don't know.......but I do know that a support system is necessary.  I am still learning to be open about my vulnerabilities.....I often hate to share because other people have things in their own life to deal with--but maybe that is wrong of me.  People would not ask to help if they didn't want to.  And often, I just need an ear or a simple word of encouragement..... a word of encouragement.....hmmmmm.  We all need that.  A simple sign to let us know we are cared about!  Well, from one mom to another...I care about you!

I care about your fight, your are not alone.  I won't let you be.  

It's amazing what a word here and there can do to boost your spirits. Please know that it is appreciated....my days are not always easy.  Autism is not easy BUT there are also amazing things that happen and I need people to celebrate with me.  Because little things, make a huge difference in the life of a mom who doubts herself.

TTFN

Martha

Promotion

Hey all,

This week JB promoted to grade 2.  I really wasn't into going and kinda thought a promotion from grade 1 to grade 2 was kind of dumb.  But then, someone reminded me that it's all about accomplishments and I cried!  How silly of me not to think about that......but what she said made me reflect on the progress JB has made.

He has come completely out of his shell.  He was the star in a school play, told jokes in the talent show, strived to be a top reader, loved getting 100% on his IReady computer tests, and was in the school Spelling Bee!  My kid has done all these things, all these wonderful things.....but this is not all he has done!

JB is popular.  I didn't know this about him.......BUT, I received an email from his teacher on the last day of school.  The email was just to tell me how much she would miss JB.  But in sharing that, she shared that JB is loved by all staff.  They always seek him out for a high 5 or hug and he brightens their days when things aren't going so well.  Every morning, he acknowledges the office staff and wishes them a good day.  And he gets along well with other students.  On the day of his promotion, the other kids all gave him congratulatory high 5's but there was one kid, one kid who hugged Josh so tight.  A 5th grader who told JB that he was like a little brother and he loved him more than anything.  He hugged JB for a long time and cried....when asked why he hugged JB for so long???? The response was that JB is "my little buddy and makes me so happy!"

Oh man, so powerful.  That's what any parent wants to hear for their kid.  But me, my kid is autistic, and you want them to have the life you hope for them.  At this school.....he does!  Kids with special needs need the kind of love that makes them feel like an everyday kid because essentially that is what they are......I feel like shit missing JB's promotion.  I had not thought of it as celebrating accomplishments.  But I should have......so shame on me.  But, it truly made me reflect on his year and his growth which is a good thing.  Amazing things do happen.....little moments are big.   He has become a little man and even though we still face challenges, there is hope!  That hope takes me far and I will l forever carry that hope forward because I know my autistic kid can!

TTFN
Martha