thankful

Hi all...

I have had a week off.  A week to enjoy being home, a week to be with my kiddos, a week to just enjoy being me.  Usually a week off is hard.  Autism is a world of routine and schedules.  So not knowing what to expect.....well, was a major stress point.  But this week was really unusual or out of the norm.  Not what I expected at all.....maybe JB is maturing, maybe he is understanding--not sure!  But what a week!  And I mean that in a good way!

We had big milestones.....things happened that made my heart just so happy.  You see, JB ate Thanksgiving dinner for the first time.  Just turkey and mashed potatoes but he did it!  That is a huge deal for a kid who usually only eats Campbell's soup (come on Campbell's lower your prices!).  JB eats nothing but soft items at dinner....he shows no interest in food unless it's Doritos.....and yet on Thanksgiving, we had a blessing.  "I like turkey!"  It's all I could talk about all night...I am sure everyone was sick of me, but to be honest, I always feel like no one truly understands.  They nod, they smile....but it's so much more than that!

So my JB also helped decorate for Christmas...granted he was very much more fascinated with the ornaments that made music but that really was okay because seeing him dance to "Jingle Bells" is one of those things that brings a giggle....I could watch him dance like that over and over....but, here's the thing about the tree....he gave a compliment, a genuine compliment that was not prompted.  In the Autism world you have to give many prompts.  Saying thank you might be something people take for granted...but I have to prompt my child to say thank you.  I have to prompt him to say many things that you and I simply take for granted.  Please, thank you, excuse me, sorry....all things I have to prompt.  And then, I also have to teach him to mean it...but when my boy is in the moment.....ooooh.  Sometimes it's so easy to forget that Autism exists!

So once our tree was decorated, I expressed to JB how beautiful it was to look at.  Here is what he said,

"No, you're the pretty one mommy!"

It was one of those moments, those heartfelt moments that you want to capture and hold onto forever.  A moment that made me tear up.  To hear that is golden.  Something that us Autism parents don't hear often....You see, it's true that many Autistic kids do not show love the way many are used to.  And yet, some show love in so many more ways than anyone can imagine!  For me, that one phrase....that one comparison....well, it told me that I was so very much loved!

When my kid was diagnosed, I had to attend classes in order to get services for him.  I remember being in class and we went around the room talking about ourselves and what we wanted for our child.  My hope was just to hold JB's hand....That was all I wanted because showing love wasn't something he did.  Hold my hand...that's all I asked for.  Well, I got that and so much more.....my boy loves...I am lucky because I feel it everyday in the simple things JB does.    A touch, a smile, a giggle, and a simple word.  All of these things I am thankful for, I am truly blessed with.  

So.....thankful.  That word!   Thankful!  Please be thankful.....love comes in so many different ways.  Please don't miss those small moments.  Those little things that mean so much.  You are worth it.  You deserve it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

TTFN,

Martha

 

Is it embarrassment or shame?

Hi all...

Long time since I last blogged.  It's been hard to write recently, just too tired.  It's go go go all the time and I know I am not alone in that feeling!  But I really need to write today.  It's good for my soul....and I am compelled to write because of an incident that my wonderful friend had.

You see, she was getting her kids a haircut while another mom and her child were doing the same.  That child was screaming....and the mom felt bad.  In fact, she found it necessary to tell my friend that this was because her child was autistic.  It made my friend sad....it made me cry!  I get it....I so get it.  That feeling of needing to explain.  That feeling of, "What are others thinking?"  That feeling of,  "I am doing the best I can!"

Is this shame?  is this embarrassment?  I don't know.....so then, what is it?  I am not ashamed in anyway but do I think I am being shamed in my ability to parent????  By outsiders, sometimes I think so!  Do I feel embarrassed at times?  Absolutely!  In fact, I can remember a time in Target when JB was having a tantrum.  An older woman had to tell me how to discipline my child.  I have to say, I really believe her intention was to help.  Yet it also belittled me.  Like I can't take care of my own kid.  I instantly said, "My kid is autistic!"  Like I had to defend myself....WHY???  Is it because we are lead to believe that if we cannot control our kids, then we are not good parents?  Or maybe it's that people don't understand.  What works for one child does not work for another, then you add autism into the mix and that's a new can of worms!

So...how do we solve this problem?  How do we get to the point where parents don't have to explain themselves?  How do we moms get to the point where we don't need to feel like we have to explain things?  I guess it's just showing kindness.  I love that my friend's response to that mom, who probably needed a kind word, was simply a...."You're doing a great job, Mom!"  Just think, if every person simply said that one phrase to a mom in need of hearing it, then that rolls forward into a multitude of positive vibes.

Being a parent is hard.  Dealing with autism is hard....really hard!  It's easy to feel down in the dumps.  Far too easy! In fact, I feel down far more than anyone knows.  I am simply good at disguising things!  I dress up, put on make up, smile....see, hidden!  Look.....this is truth.  This is matter of fact!  I don't want to feel shamed.  I do not want to feel embarrassed!  But neither of those things will go away unless I change, unless we all change. The village has to to be aware and observant.  Listen, all I ask is that you know me.  That you know us!

Please know that a struggling parent may be dealing with far more than anyone ever knows!  So...I go back to my friend.  A kind word...pass it on!

TTFN
Martha