Autism and Grief

Hi All,

Been some time since I last wrote...not sure if I even can anymore.  I have had a lot of sadness this summer.  My mother passed away on July 2nd.  It was tragic and very sudden.  And I am really still in disbelief.  One minute she was gonna make it, next morning...we were talking end of life.

I don't want to write this blog at all but, I have to think about understanding.  Allowing others to understand me and to understand a child with special needs.  This blog will not be about how I am coping, because to be honest...I am not.  This blog will be completely about JB and how he is coping. 

Since my mom's passing, behaviors from JB have been really out of control.  He snaps every morning around the same time.  His behavior is completely aggressive.  So aggressive that once he is calm, I need to leave.  I need my own moment to chill.   

Aggressive....what does that mean?  For an autistic child it can mean many things.  For my child, it means using foul language, throwing things, hitting, and lots of screaming.  My kid has called me many names for the last few weeks.  He screams, cries, then screams again.  He hits his sister and throws things at me.  At this time, we are lucky really because he has no muscle tone in his 85 pound body.  But eventually, that will catch up with him and when it does it will be even more worrisome.

So I have asked his behavior company for help.  The behaviorist in charge sent me lots of info on how to talk to a child with autism who is grieving but as a person, she said I just need to be blunt and ask him if he misses Grandma. Once we get the answer, then I am to use the information sent to help him cope.

What is that info? (I am sharing the ideas pertinent to JB right now)

• affirm and reassure by acknowledging the feelings
• be patient
• keep daily routines
• do not try to make things "all better", instead read a book and verbalize
• language needs to be concrete
• do not say "_______ went to heaven" as that means that person may come back like it is a vacation
• people with autism may need to speak about the topic using a social story 
• Explain that we all are sad and miss the person that is passed

So, during a tantrum I blatantly asked JB if he missed grandma.  His response was..."Death is fake, not real."   It helped me understand where he is in this process but it doesn't make things any easier.  In fact, for me....JB's behaviors are only making my grief harder.  I can barely handle my own grief and then, I deal with 2 to 3 hours of JB's behaviors everyday.  It is damn hard but bless his heart.  Grief affects everyone....but how we grieve is different. 

I am trying to be strong.  I will continue to be strong.  I am strong.  But...JB's behavior affects me.  It hurts and I am already hurting.  And the there is this....I have to put me aside.  That's just it, you have to put yourself on the back burner.   Close the door on your own emotions so you can help your children cope.  Whether JB understands or not is a different ball game.  I may have to explain it a thousand times....and that's ok because it is my job to help him through it all.  And I have to realize that he doesn't understand.  What kid would at the age of 8?  Crud, I don't understand and I am old!

Grief affects everyone in different ways. It doesn't just go away and it certainly isn't something to simply ignore because, it affects every aspect of life.  We will move forward and I will learn...and I will help my kiddo understand.  That is all I can do!

TTFN
Martha