You must choose....and so I do!

Well hello there....

It's been a solid, long while since I last posted and for good reason.  When you aren't feeling it, you just aren't.  And I wasn't.  I probably wasn't this entire year.  Losing my mama last year was so hard and until recently, I think grief factored into every minute of my life way more than I realized.  After mother's day without her, I kind of had an epiphany I guess....if that's what you want to call it.  And someone close to me said.....

"Choose.  Happiness is a choice....so, choose!"

My mom was always a positive person.  She was kind and thoughtful and grateful....she would never want me to carry on feeling so sad.  So I must honor her.  And in honoring her, I am a better me who is better for everyone else.

Also, I want to get back to what this blog is supposed to be all about.  It's about my life with autism.  It's meant to share, inform, help, and really be a sort of journal for me.  So, I am back at it folks....and here goes:

You know, there are so many things in life that are hard.  There are so many things to overcome.  There are also so very many joys, which my daughter does not see right at the moment.  She is about to be 13 so for her...everything is in the moment and autism in her words is "the end of the world".

A quick explanation behind her words:

My daughter spent the night at a friend's house.

JB and I picked her up.

Children with autism need to investigate and observe new places.

So...We walked into the house and JB went room by room.

He needed to see everything.

Even before we got there, I primed him.

Priming is simply explaining expectations for when you are about to do something.

JB repeated back to me everything I expected.

Yet we get there and that priming went right out the window.  

JB did not want to leave.

UGH...

He did not want to leave. 

Thus began an uncomfortable behavior.  JB ran around the house.  Everyone was chasing him.  He screamed, he cried, he called us all potty words.  When I finally did catch him, he hit me and cried.  I know that this is just him without control of his emotions but in the moment, I still get uncomfortable even when people are trying to be understanding.  It's still very stressful and hard.

Well....for my daughter, it is 100 times worse.  When we got home, she had her own tantrum about it.  She went straight to her room and screamed into her pillow.  I felt so bad....but then I remembered that....happiness is a choice.  We will always feel pain, sadness, stress, etc....but when we choose...we make a conscious effort to choose.....well, how long we hold onto those yucky feelings changes.  

I reminded my daughter that autism will probably be very stressful for the rest of our lives but we can manage how we let it consume us.  I reminded her that he missed her so very much while she was away and I also reminded her of his joy when he first saw her when we picked her up.  Those moments are the ones we need to capture and be present in.  

So how do we handle the stress?  For me....I spent the past year eating my feelings.  Now I am paying for that but I have made yet another choice...happiness is taking care of myself.  I am riding my bike or walking 2 miles a day.  I have started reading again and I am writing meaningful quotes down in a journal....I look at those daily, kind of like affirmations.  I am listening to music more and I have started to even pay attention to my eating habits.  But what does my daughter have?

So....I reminded her of all the little things that bring joy...I reminded her that doing art, reading, looking at pictures, listening to music are things she loves.  When we feel stressed, we should focus on those things that help give us positive vibes.  It's amazing how quickly an attitude can change when you try to fix it and fill it with the things you love!

So my friends, I don't have an answer for the way JB behaved and how he made me feel or even how he made my daughter feel.  That is a work in progress that will take time.  How we let his behavior make us feel though, is something we can control.  It's something we should control....otherwise we get lost.  And being lost...well, I did that this year.  I did not like it.  I am not saying I won't be lost again...but, I am going to work hard to recognize when I need help, when I need to choose....and I realize I will need to remind my daughter as well....

So....let that be a lesson to us all....happiness is a choice.  I sure have missed blogging...it's good to be back.

TTFN

Martha

****Thank you KM, you know why!