Let them help!

Hey all,

Sorry for the delay.....two weeks since my last post.  Ugh!  I feel like there has been so much going on that I haven't been able to think straight when it comes to writing my blog.  And that's kinda when it hit me......I feel very alone in this autism world, not sure people understand me or even if they ever could.  Over the last 2 weeks, we have had an emergency IEP....2 suspensions due to behaviors.... a runner (yes, JB ran away from school 3 times)....and a sick JB.  All stories I could share but I want to focus on me and that feeling of ALONE!!!!!

Definition of alone: according to Google, "having no one else present, on one's own"

Why is it that I let that definition consume me?  Honestly, it does.  Do I do it to myself? I think so....I really think it's a pity party for me.  I am realizing that I need to put my big girl pants on because the only person who can change that feeling is me.  In the last 2 or 3 weeks, I have opened my eyes to the kindness and love that others have to offer, want to offer.....I want to be open to it!!!!

A friend, and colleague, said to me that my blog helps her feel closer to me........girl, thank you for that! A friend, also a colleague, offered advice and made sure to make time for me.  A friend, and colleague, shared ideas with me.  A friend often sends me the funniest images and always tells me how much she loves and cares about me.  Another friend, will just send me "xoxo's" because she knows it's needed!  How in the world is that ALONE??????  It's not!  So why????  Why do I let myself feel alone?

I guess the last thing I want to do is burden people with my problems.  I do not want to bring anyone down.  What's honestly funny about this is that I think most people feel this way or think this way.  But friends are friends no matter the problem.  We support and share with each other.  We try to understand each other.  For the first time in my 5 years with autism, I feel different.  I feel like I am learning to, well, let others.....I know that is weird but in this time, I am finally opening up.  I am finally letting others help me, listen to me.  Not because I want them to but because I understand that they WANT to.  THAT is a gift to a parent, and a gift to JB really.  Why?  Because I am being better to me and in being better to me, I am being better to my JB!!!

Autism is a tough life.  But taking it on with friends.....we all got this!

TTFN

Martha

It's Hard!

Writing this week is really hard.  I keep hearing that it will get easier and in some ways things do but at the same time, autism gets harder.  School, ugh......that's an entire beast within itself.  But at home, we are dealing with a lot too.  Not sure people would even believe.  But I am scared.  As JB gets older and stronger, there are new challenges.

I do not want to even relive this but at the same time, people need to know what we parents go through.  My son was playing a game that was inappropriate, I took it away and he kicked me in the face out of anger......I was so shocked by it I had to leave the house.  He kicked me, the person who loves and cares for him.  How do you cope with that?

I am swollen and have had a headache for three days!  But I forgive because I LOVE him and know that he cannot control his anger.  That his brain snaps.....I so wish that there was cure.  I wish JB could control himself......there are so many things I wish for.  I have spent three days crying.  Sobbing and asking why.  Is that helping me?  Absolutely not! I have to let go and forget.....because he has.  JB has no clue that he hurt me.  None! That's part of the disease......

So, I spent the morning shopping......buying fun stuff that's just for me.  Kinda like therapy!  Buyer's remorse will hit me but for now, YAY new clothes!

TTFN,
Martha

Hugs

Hi all,

So I could talk about our next steps with school but there is always time for that.  Sometimes other things come to mind and make me want to write.  Today....a sappy movie made me think about JB's beginnings!  Made me want to write.  Made me want to tell you about where this little guy started!

My husband and I were told that we may never be able to have kids.  That was my issue, thanks to endometriosis.  Endometriosis has since developed into adenomyosis (the cure being a hysterectomy and I am not quite ready to go there).  BUT, along came AP and 3 years later came JB.  Those two are special...we never thought they would be.

Pregnancy was not easy.  I went on three months of bed rest with my daughter and 2 months with JB.  Both times I had preeclampsia (dangerously high blood pressure).  But it was my pregnancy with JB that was the craziest.  20 weeks in, we were told he had Spina Bifida.  That started monthly ultrasounds and weekly stress tests.  The doctors all felt that he was doing well and decided that the readings were really about me versus baby.  Sure enough, they were right.  I ended up with preeclampsia and JB came 3 weeks early.

The night he was born, I had to go on anti-seizure medicine.  My blood pressure was so high.  I wasn't allowed any visitors and I could not even see JB.  That was tough, but the next morning I had my guy in my arms.  That day, they said he had a problem.  He was not urinating, so he went to another hospital that had a pediatric urologist.....I was not allowed to go as I was still dealing with blood pressure.  The ambulance drivers and nurses came to get my baby.  They put him in an incubator and off they went. It crushed me....CRUSHED ME!!!!!

I spent 5 days in the hospital and JB spent 6 at the other hospital.  Luckily, JB had positive news.  But my hubby was running between home and two hospitals.  Come to think about it, I guess that really was the start of his crazy schedule!  Poor guy!

Guess what?  After one week of silly business....I got to go home and I got to pick up my little guy.  The happiest day ever!  Since JB was diagnosed with autism, I think about the beginnings of his little life a lot.  This kid has been through so much since he was born....just so much.  I could get down...well, I do get down.  But JB always picks me right back up with his smile and adorable dimples.  And lately, it's all about...."Mama, come give me a hug!"  Who doesn't love a hug?

TTFN
Martha