You must choose....and so I do!

Well hello there....

It's been a solid, long while since I last posted and for good reason.  When you aren't feeling it, you just aren't.  And I wasn't.  I probably wasn't this entire year.  Losing my mama last year was so hard and until recently, I think grief factored into every minute of my life way more than I realized.  After mother's day without her, I kind of had an epiphany I guess....if that's what you want to call it.  And someone close to me said.....

"Choose.  Happiness is a choice....so, choose!"

My mom was always a positive person.  She was kind and thoughtful and grateful....she would never want me to carry on feeling so sad.  So I must honor her.  And in honoring her, I am a better me who is better for everyone else.

Also, I want to get back to what this blog is supposed to be all about.  It's about my life with autism.  It's meant to share, inform, help, and really be a sort of journal for me.  So, I am back at it folks....and here goes:

You know, there are so many things in life that are hard.  There are so many things to overcome.  There are also so very many joys, which my daughter does not see right at the moment.  She is about to be 13 so for her...everything is in the moment and autism in her words is "the end of the world".

A quick explanation behind her words:

My daughter spent the night at a friend's house.

JB and I picked her up.

Children with autism need to investigate and observe new places.

So...We walked into the house and JB went room by room.

He needed to see everything.

Even before we got there, I primed him.

Priming is simply explaining expectations for when you are about to do something.

JB repeated back to me everything I expected.

Yet we get there and that priming went right out the window.  

JB did not want to leave.

UGH...

He did not want to leave. 

Thus began an uncomfortable behavior.  JB ran around the house.  Everyone was chasing him.  He screamed, he cried, he called us all potty words.  When I finally did catch him, he hit me and cried.  I know that this is just him without control of his emotions but in the moment, I still get uncomfortable even when people are trying to be understanding.  It's still very stressful and hard.

Well....for my daughter, it is 100 times worse.  When we got home, she had her own tantrum about it.  She went straight to her room and screamed into her pillow.  I felt so bad....but then I remembered that....happiness is a choice.  We will always feel pain, sadness, stress, etc....but when we choose...we make a conscious effort to choose.....well, how long we hold onto those yucky feelings changes.  

I reminded my daughter that autism will probably be very stressful for the rest of our lives but we can manage how we let it consume us.  I reminded her that he missed her so very much while she was away and I also reminded her of his joy when he first saw her when we picked her up.  Those moments are the ones we need to capture and be present in.  

So how do we handle the stress?  For me....I spent the past year eating my feelings.  Now I am paying for that but I have made yet another choice...happiness is taking care of myself.  I am riding my bike or walking 2 miles a day.  I have started reading again and I am writing meaningful quotes down in a journal....I look at those daily, kind of like affirmations.  I am listening to music more and I have started to even pay attention to my eating habits.  But what does my daughter have?

So....I reminded her of all the little things that bring joy...I reminded her that doing art, reading, looking at pictures, listening to music are things she loves.  When we feel stressed, we should focus on those things that help give us positive vibes.  It's amazing how quickly an attitude can change when you try to fix it and fill it with the things you love!

So my friends, I don't have an answer for the way JB behaved and how he made me feel or even how he made my daughter feel.  That is a work in progress that will take time.  How we let his behavior make us feel though, is something we can control.  It's something we should control....otherwise we get lost.  And being lost...well, I did that this year.  I did not like it.  I am not saying I won't be lost again...but, I am going to work hard to recognize when I need help, when I need to choose....and I realize I will need to remind my daughter as well....

So....let that be a lesson to us all....happiness is a choice.  I sure have missed blogging...it's good to be back.

TTFN

Martha

****Thank you KM, you know why!

Joy

Hey all....

I am back at it.  I feel like I was in a dark place.  Autism is hard then you add the loss of my mom, who the heck am I?  It's been about 6 months without her now and for the first time....I feel like I can manage.  I can see things without the fog that's been hanging around.  The snap literally happened around New Years....I went to see my mom.  I went to her grave site...I cried for 45 minutes straight.  And it wasn't just any cry...it was a hard cry but it felt so good.  I miss my mom but I feel like I can manage my sadness....that is huge.

And Autism....there are so many growing pains and it's hard.  That will not change.  I know that.  But, my mindset is changing.  You see, I have transitioned and started surrounding myself with positive sayings and thoughts.  I have done that since the day my mom died.  I look at my positive posters every single day and they meant nothing to me until December.  Probably because I had to rediscover who I was.  I still don't know but I am so much more upbeat....more open.

So...a great example might be JB's winter festival....for years I have been watching the kids at his school sing and dance.  I cried every single time.  At first it was because I was seeing things so differently.  I was seeing different.  I was sad and hurt.  I was watching all these kids with needs and my heart was breaking....This year though, I still felt the tears but they were happy tears.  I was dancing and singing and cheering with these kids....I was recognizing the wonderful progress and the joy that they had while performing.  Then, it was JB's turn.  My JB was up and singing Frosty the Snowman.  He was having fun with his class and after he sang, he told everyone to clap their hands.  

"Give us a standing O people out there! Come on let me hear you!"

I think seeing kids cheer on each other, cheer for themselves is what everyone needs.  It reminds you of the joy they bring, and the joy that can be found in each and every single day.  I loved seeing my kid stand up and reach out for a standing "O".  It shows everyone who he truly is as a person and makes me so proud to be his mama.  But it also teaches me a lesson.....he is happy.  Maybe my hopes and dreams of who I thought he might be are different.  Maybe he won't be a great baseball player...or a mathematician....and maybe he will live at home all his life.  Who cares!!!!  He is a great person,  he encourages and laughs and has fun.....maybe that's all he needs to be because maybe he is simply meant to be uplifting for others.  Maybe his job is to bring joy to those who need it...to people like me who are still trying to figure themselves out.

Thank you JB for making me smile every single day and for giving me the strength to keep on keepin' on!

TTFN

Martha