I am writing today for many reasons. At first, I had planned to write about my hubby who is still at this point of struggling with the idea that Autism will forever keep his son from being what he had hoped he would be. But then, I was given something by a friend....a key that says "believe". It was given to me because this friend sees that I do not believe in myself.....I was so touched but also, she is right. I do not believe in myself at all. That is super sad to admit.....but I have to admit it because I am sure there are other moms out there that feel the same way I do.
My energy is for my husband, my daughter, my son, and my students. Yep, I am a teacher!
My energy is for them and often, my students save me. They truly do, because they keep me thinking and they keep me fresh and that really helps me in my daily dealings with Autism. It is not easy at all but I realize that I have built up a wall. A defense mechanism so that I can be there for my students 100%.....then I come home and give my all. But damn, it's really hard. I think I am there for everyone except myself.....I don't have the energy for me! It's so sad to admit that!!!! But it took that gift of the believe key for me me to see that!
I am also reading a book called Kids Deserve It by Ted Nesloney and Adam Welcome. It's supposed to be about kids but I am realizing it's also about me. Who I am...as a teacher and as a person. It's become sort of a diary for me. I want to keep reading because I feel like those guys are championing for me...just like my friend did with the believe key. My favorite chapter so far, is called "Dealing With Doubt" and I must admit that it struck a chord with me. I doubt myself in many ways. I doubt myself as a mother, as a teacher, as a friend to others.
"Doubt can sometimes lurk around us, but when it gets inside us, it's hard to shake loose."
I hate that I doubt myself. Not sure many people know that I do because daily, I get up and put on cute clothes and make up. It's a mirage really. Not always but sometimes.....and then there is my work. Work I am thankful for....I pour myself into it because it is my getaway....I do my best then I wonder if I did enough....just like I do with my personal life....It's so sad to admit the way I feel, hurtful too. I don't want to feel this way, I don't mean to feel this way.....but, life is hard. Autism is hard. How do I change my mindset????? I don't know.......but I do know that a support system is necessary. I am still learning to be open about my vulnerabilities.....I often hate to share because other people have things in their own life to deal with--but maybe that is wrong of me. People would not ask to help if they didn't want to. And often, I just need an ear or a simple word of encouragement..... a word of encouragement.....hmmmmm. We all need that. A simple sign to let us know we are cared about! Well, from one mom to another...I care about you!
I care about your fight, your are not alone. I won't let you be.
It's amazing what a word here and there can do to boost your spirits. Please know that it is appreciated....my days are not always easy. Autism is not easy BUT there are also amazing things that happen and I need people to celebrate with me. Because little things, make a huge difference in the life of a mom who doubts herself.
TTFN
Martha
No comments:
Post a Comment