Today's post is needed. It's real and it's what makes doing things very hard. Here's the deal.....I have to go away for business.....just 2 days really but it's still 2 days. I have never left my kiddos. I just haven't. Part of it is this fear of leaving JB. Can just anyone, family or not, deal with Autism? Geez, I even wonder if my hubby can deal with it on his own!
Sooooooo...I have been talking about my trip to my son. See, with Autism it is always about preparation. You have to talk to them so that when things happen, they are ready. My son, though, thinks the worst. He truly thinks that I am leaving for good, that I am never going to return. He has changed because of this. He was doing really well at school, now he is crying and screaming everyday for me. At night, when we go to bed he states.....
"I will always remember the good times we had together!"
Okay people, how do I not hurt from that!?!?! Part of me says screw the trip, it's true! But I love my job and I know this trip will be a huge benefit.....it's also a must do! I have to do this! JB will be fine in the long run and I know that but really, getting to that point????? I am not sure people understand the position I am in. I think "normal" kids get the idea of coming back but JB...autism.....well, their brains don't just click that way. He cannot predict the beyond, the future. He cannot understand that going away has the plus side of coming back. Nope, he thinks going away simply means going away!
I am dealing with tearful nights and disturbed sleep. A son screaming for me in the middle of the night.
"Mommy, are you still here?"
It is hard to hear. It is hard that my boy is stressing this much over a two day trip. I hate it and honestly, I am so torn up inside. I am getting greyer because of it, my worry lines are deepening....it's true. Listen, nothing is ever easy or cut and dry with Autism. It just isn't! It is hard work. It is heart breaking. It is joyous. That roller coaster ride effects you....it just does!
And so...I am emotional. I think I hide it pretty well but I can't always because the trials and tribulations effect me. They do. And sometimes it makes me mad but then, this is my life. This is Autism. And as I have said before...I will fight the good fight. For me.....for my family.....and for everyone around me!
TTFN,
Martha
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