The Agony of Defeat

Hi all,

Today my heart bleeds.  Yep, bleeds.   Today was JB's last day in general education.  I didn't think it would bother me so much.  I agree with the decision, I know that gen ed is not working right now.  So why, then, do I hurt so badly?

It's the agony of defeat!

I do feel like this is defeat in some sort of way! I guess because I wanted so badly for my son to make it in gen ed.....honestly, I go back and forth with my emotions.  I try so very hard to stay positive and keep things in perspective.  But in the moment, DAMN......it's hard!  I know that this move is probably best but then again, there is the "WHAT IF" in me.  The wonder....you want everything to be perfect for your kid.  When it's not, it's sometimes hard to take and even hard to comprehend.

So what do I do?  How do I keep myself in check?  I have to fall sometimes.  It's the getting up part that takes effort.  So much effort that you need a hand.  I do see now that there are hands out there, willing to help pull me up.  And I need those hands....because right now I am drowning.  So much so that I am questioning every little thing that I do.....it's kind of ridiculous!  But it's real, too.....

Autism is really such a ride.  Makes life so up and down.  Trying to deal with it can be both difficult and absolutely joyful.  Just like a roller coaster....you are okay going up but going down can turn your stomach.  So as hard as it is, maybe the key is forgetting your feelings.  Actually, maybe it's about letting your feelings go.  Let the child be the guide! --Thank you SR for saying that! After all, it's not about me or my husband.....it's about JB's happy place!  So I get selfish for a moment, everyone deserves that.....but getting back to the idea of who this is about is the most important thing.  It's not about me, it's about JB.  It's about making sure he is the best him!  And the only one who can assure that, is a healthy me!

So screw you agony of defeat! 

I refuse to be defeated!  This can only move us forward! HA!

TTFN

Martha